Mountain Dew Must Die
by Pink Raccoon
Summary: Nice and pointless! There is some racial stuff, but I think you'll find it isn't meant to be offensive. =) Enjoy.


Mountain Dew Must Die  
  
  
  
"I need no pic…I see no pic…I use no pic…THERE IS NO PIC!! I DEFY YOU PIC!!! DAMN YOU AND YOUR PLASTICYNESS!!" Wailed Duo jumping up and down on his bed, rapidly swinging his bare fingers over his black electric guitar strings. He had just gotten his new Magical Lobster Faction CD and he had been playing it since dawn.  
  
"DUO!!" Yelled Heero as he flung open the door, "for the LAST time!! TURN IT DOWN!! WAY WAY DOWN!! I'm trying to watch Lassie."  
  
Duo blinked and turned off his amp, making the sound of his CD player quiet. "But Heero…There are no leprechauns under my bed. What are you talking about?"  
  
"Forget it…" Heero muttered, starting to turn.  
  
"NO! Wait! I wanna show you what I learned to play!" Giggled Duo as Heero twitched and turned, leaning against the wall and hoping it wasn't the song he had heard previously.  
  
Duo plucked a string and all-too-dramatically took place on his stage--his bed. He leaned over and skipped to track 5, fast forwarding and flipping on his amp. The words were clear and loud.  
  
"I swear they're gonna shake me!" Yelled Duo with the girl's voice on the CD, strumming it perfectly. He then hit stop. "Do you like it?"  
  
"That's all you know? One line?" Said Heero, trying to keep from laughing.  
  
"And…" Duo Sniffled.  
  
"But it was a very good one line." Forced out Heero. Duo giggled as Heero turned and went back to watch Lassie. But Quatre was sitting nose to screen with the TV.  
  
"NO LASSIE! SHE'S NOT IN THE WELL!! IN THE BARN, LASSIE!! THE BARN!!" Cried Quatre, slamming his stuffed animal lobster into the picture over and over.  
  
"Well…I got Duo to quiet down," said Heero awkwardly.  
  
"Ohhh…Mrs. Deroe was in the well giving birth…GOOD Lassie! NOW TO THE BARN!! IT'S ON FIRE!!" Squealed Quatre, grasping his lobster in a giant hug.  
  
"I told you Lassie has his ways," smiled Wufei, opening Heero's apartment door.  
  
"WOOFIE!" Giggled Quatre, turning briefly and smiling, then returning the glue between him and the television.  
  
"Is Trowa here yet? He promised that he would make tacos." Said Wufei, sitting down beside Quatre on the couch.  
  
"But Trowa can't cook!" Announced Quatre, turning as a Betty Crocker commercial came on.  
  
"You just assumed that he could cook Mexican food because he's Latino?" Asked Heero, raising a brow.  
  
"Yes." Said Wufei directly.  
  
"Okay." Said Quatre and Heero in unison with cheery expressions. They turned their attention to the commercial about Pepto Bismol.  
  
Duo walked out of his room with a confused look.  
  
"Umm…Heero?" He said quietly, looking around.  
  
He lifted his head as Wufei and Quatre's eyes locked onto a spinning red target.  
  
"Yeah Duo?" Said Heero, confused as the other two pilot's eyes went blank.  
  
"You want to buy all of the soda in the store…five twelve packs…maybe six…We will replace water with SODA!" Said a strange man's voice.  
  
"Yes…Leprechauns…" Wufei and Quatre chimed together.  
  
"NO! You DUMB-ASSES!! BUY SODA!" Snapped the voice.  
  
"Yes…Soooda." They smiled, nodding their heads.  
  
"There's a guy out my window…They have PRETTY LIGHTS!" Laughed Duo.  
  
"THE COPS!" Panicked Heero, jumping up, recognizing Duo's description. He turned and Quatre and Wufei were taking sodas by the armfuls from his fridge.  
  
"IN THE NAME OF FLAMING BUSES FULL OF OLD PEOPLE, WHAT THE HELL DO YOU PEOPLE THINK YOU ARE DOING? We have a criminal situation HERE!!" Yelled Heero. But when he turned Duo was gone. He turned and saw that the others were also gone with his soda. Except for Mountain Dew, because that was just a conspiracy to lower the world's population growth.  
  
"Umm…There is cops outside…" Said Trowa as he walked in with arm loads of tacos, still wrapped. "Good, Wufei isn't here? Quick, help me unwrap these and put them on a dish. He said he would kick my ass if I didn't make him some 'damn good tacos'."  
  
"I think Duo pissed them off somehow!" Said Heero, frantically looking around. Trowa looked up from preparing his Taco ala Trowa.  
  
"Are you saying that leprechauns ARE hiding in my tacos? Because we can FIGHT!" Sneered Trowa.  
  
"NO! BAKA!" Yelled Heero, refraining from ripping out his hair.  
  
"Come out with your hands UP!" Called a voice behind a megaphone.  
  
"I think we should just go out and do whatever it is that they want." Sighed Heero.  
  
"Really? Because I want soda, but all you have is Mountain Dew…GAY ASS!" Growled Trowa, kicking a can across the floor. "LooSER!"  
  
Just then a few cops came in the door.  
  
"May we see your TV?" Asked a chubby one, holding his belt.  
  
"Uh…Okay…" Said Heero sheepishly.  
  
"Destroy it men!!" He shouted, rushing towards it.  
  
"NO! MY TV!!" Yelled Heero, running up to them as three cops smashed his television. Sparks flew.  
  
"I'm sorry," smiled Officer Chubby above Heero's wailing. "This TV and many others are going to give off a strange message from Dr. Poopyhead in…one minute."  
  
"It already happened, you dumb-ass!!" Cried Heero.  
  
"Oops…Sorry." He chuckled with a shrug.  
  
*1 minute later*  
  
The door slammed in the cops' faces as Heero began to pace.  
  
"What am I going to do?" He repeated the question over and over in his head.  
  
"Well, you could find out where the others went…" Suggested Trowa, setting up the abandoned Mountain Dews in a pyramid fashion.  
  
"I suppose," said Heero, stopping in his tracks, "OR…I could run a mile in a circle, and then repeat it until my lips become chapped, only to realize that I am seated in the Super Bowl. Now, in order for this to work, I'm going to need a pound of peas and purple ketchup, but I think it will succeed. You, however, will run behind me carrying a squirrel in a feathery chicken suit, coaxing the crowd to throw their food items at me."  
  
"Huh? But I only ate a squirrel once! Quatre told you, didn't he?!?" Trowa half pouted and half looked perplexed.  
  
"….Let's just go…" Growled Heero, storming out the door and not wanting to hear the rest of Trowa's story.  
  
"IT TASTED LIKE BEEF, HEERO!! CAN YOU RESIST BEEFY GOODNESS?!?!?!!"  
  
Heero turned the key and tried not to explode.  
  
  
  
"WHOOwhoo!! FASTER FASTER!!" Giggled Duo, jumping up and down in his seat and making train noises.  
  
Wufei twitched as the traffic moved an inch.  
  
"Duo, we are hardly moving," Quatre began to explain.  
  
"But we need to buy SODA!" Whined Duo, "…Hey, why do we want soda anyway?"  
  
"DO NOT QUESTION!" Screamed everyone on the freeway that was watching Lassie, at the tiny car.  
  
"…Choo-choo?" Whimpered Duo.  
  
"NO CHOO-CHOO!!" Came the reply, then they all turned like it never happened.  
  
"Hey, you know what's good?" Perked Quatre.  
  
"Slamming Duo into an 8-foot steel wall over and over and over and over and over and over…" Said Wufei, trailing off.  
  
"NOPE! Because that would be murder! Buuuuut!" Giggled Quatre, "Pepsi is good."  
  
"I want Pepsi." Whispered Duo, who's spirit was temporarily broken.  
  
"I want Sunkist!!" Smiled Quatre.  
  
"I want root beer." Added Wufei, inching along again, gripping the wheel in frustration.  
  
All of a sudden the traffic moved.  
  
  
  
"This is the song that NEVER ends!!!!!" Sang Trowa for the fifty-third time. Heero slammed the brakes, seeing a grocery store parking lot as full as Wal-Mart's at three o'clock in the morning; completely full. People were lined in the streets. Men, women, and children walked in the door and out carrying carts full of sodas.  
  
When there was nothing but Mountain Dew left, a huge angry mob began throwing Pepto Bismol everywhere…The horror…the horror…  
  
Heero turned to Trowa, who had been quiet for the last 2 hours. "DAMN YOU AND YOUR SILENCE, DAMN YOU I SAY!!"  
  
"You just won't leave the squirrel thing alone, will you Heero?" Said Trowa painfully, closing his eyes. Heero slammed on the gas.  
  
  
  
The other three pilots suddenly reached for the radio button at the same time. Wufei flicked Duo and Quatre slapped at Wufei.  
  
"I want to turn on the radio…for some strange reason." Added Quatre.  
  
"Me too." Perked Duo, rubbing his hand.  
  
Wufei leaned forward and tuned into something clear…It was a man's voice. He was bidding to them…calling…  
  
"Dammit you people are slow. Okay, everyone, SLAM YOUR GAS PEDALS AT THE SAME TIME! THE SPEED LIMIT IS NOW 100!!"  
  
Wufei couldn't help but floor it. His eye twitched.  
  
"Wufei?" Said Quatre, peering close.  
  
"You know what I think?" Said Duo quickly, "You know when you're driving and you have to itch your ass, but you can't because you aren't coordinated to grip the steering wheel with one hand and keep people from looking at you! So, your eye starts to twitch! And Wufei's ass is itchy. I think it's the stick up his ass. Don't you Quatre?"  
  
"Shut up Duo."  
  
"Kay."  
  
"Wufei, are you all right?" Peeped Quatre.  
  
"Soda." Was his only reply.  
  
"I WANT SODA!" Screamed Duo.  
  
"Faster! Faster! Faster!" Screeched Quatre, snatching at the wheel as his eyes went blank. And so did everyone else's on the freeway.  
  
  
  
"What the hell?" Muttered Trowa, leaning out his window as Heero pulled up to a group of people tipping a Mountain Dew truck. And worse, the truck was Code Red.  
  
All of the people's eyes were blank. They cheered as hundreds more joined in the tipping. The horrified truck driver scurried away, the people throwing cans at him.  
  
A kitten ran across the screen.  
  
"What are they doing?" Asked Heero, getting out of the vehicle.  
  
"Killing a truck to make due for their own lack of childhood toys?" Blinked Trowa. Without looking behind him Heero thwacked him.  
  
"I think this has to do with Dr. Poopyhead." Said Heero.  
  
"No, really? Well…THANK YOU Mr. Obvious. Every movie needs one."  
  
Heero ignored him.  
  
"I think we should find this laboratory of his and--"  
  
  
  
Trowa yelled as a mystical hand came down and scooped up him and Heero. They were dropped by their collars into another scene. There was many people, carrying cases back and forth, wearing lime green jumpsuits. They were all chanting…"SoooDA…SooooDA!" Trowa clutched Heero.  
  
"Oh my gawd. It's just like my DREAM!"  
  
"Trowa, get off." Growled Heero, pushing him away and seeing Wufei lifting a case of Sprite. Heero ran up to him.  
  
"Wufei?" Heero snapped his fingers in Wufei's face.  
  
"TIS MOUNTAIN DEW FOLLOWERS!! FEED THEM TO THE KING!" Screeched someone far in the back. Everyone stopped and stared at Trowa & Heero. Two elephants wearing purple cloths were guided out and they were strapped to the elephant stomachs by their ankles, waist, and wrists.  
  
"Can this get any weirder?" Whispered Heero.  
  
"IT'S STOMACH IS GROWLING!! IT'S GONNA POOPIE ON ME, HEEEEEEERO!!!"  
  
"We just need to stay focused and try to figure out how to stay alive. Good news is that I think they are taking us to Dr. Poopyhead."  
  
"EWWWWW!!!!"  
  
"I don't think this is going to be pleasant either. But keep your head up…well…not literally…" Heero chuckled.  
  
"OH GAWD-mrfph murgh noaeaw muuuuuhhh…"  
  
"Yes…I want cheesy puffs too but don't you think that this is a rather odd time to bring it up? Being strapped to an elephant and all…"  
  
"It's in my NOSE! Oerrrrghhh!!"  
  
"Trowa? Ballet? HUH? I think that all of the blood is rushing to your head. McDonald's just wouldn't host an Olympic ballet for brainwashing purposes…but you're on the right subject." Heero sighed. "Elephants are slow."  
  
"Silence prisoner!" Said Quatre, poking Heero with a broom stick.  
  
"Dammit Quatre, why ya gotta step up, why?!?" Squealed Heero.  
  
"Huh? I'm white Heero." Blinked Quatre.  
  
"Oh, yeah…Umm…Go away." Fumbled Heero.  
  
"No. I'm assisting in taking over the world right now. Please leave a message after the beep-BEEP!"  
  
"Huh?" Said Heero.  
  
"We are going to feed you to the King." Pointed out Quatre, "and I think Trowa passed out."  
  
"Aren't you under a spell er' something?" Replied Heero, above the sound of the elephant squealing because Trowa's hair was poking it.  
  
"Umm…No." Blinked Quatre.  
  
"Then why are you attempting to take over the world?" Questioned Heero, raising his brow.  
  
"Because POW." Smiled Quatre, his eyes bulging on the final exclamation.  
  
"Pow?"  
  
"No, not 'pow'…POW!!" His eyes once again bulged.  
  
"Remove your pants!!" Boomed a voice over loud speakers. The servants quickly removed their pants, placing them on their head. Heero coughed on an elephant fart.  
  
"You two!! You dare defy me?" Yelled the voice, a man's.  
  
"Well, my arms are strapped down. Not to mention that I am beneath an elephant and my pants would be mighty difficult to remove." Answered Heero. There was silence for a moment, and then the door before them opened.  
  
"You are not showing respect to the Almighty Mightiness of Might. You will die a most horrible death!" Screeched Quatre.  
  
"OI!" Yelled all of the others. They ordered the elephants to stay, and left.  
  
"Servants Duo, Wufei, and Quatre, STAY!" Boomed a voice from behind a chair.  
  
"For the love of God don't sit down!! DON'T SIT DOWN!!" Heero was yelling at the elephant, squirming in every direction.  
  
"Why have you called us here? Are our eyelids fat? Because if that's the case, green is your  
  
color-" Duo was cut off.  
  
"SILENCE!" A chair turned around, and in it sat a scrawny black dude, with glasses larger than ears. Yes, ears. He tapped his fingers together. "You two outsiders are here to destroy my evilest of all evil evil plans?!?"  
  
"Um, no." Said Heero with a quite unsure tone.  
  
"You lie to me, because I'm black!" Squealed the man.  
  
"BroTHAR!" Shouted Duo.  
  
"SILENCE!"  
  
"Excuse me, why are you trying to replace water with soda?" Asked Trowa, who had just now come to.  
  
"Because…Sit down and I will tell you a story—"  
  
The elephants began to sit.  
  
"DON'T SIT DOWN!!" Screamed Heero and Trowa at the same time. Wufei untied them, allowing them to hit the ground before the elephant sat. Trowa, who's leg was stuck layed his head on Quatre's lap.  
  
"Eww…Trowa you smell." Whimpered Quatre, pushing him away.  
  
"Stop ignoring me because I'm black!" Boomed the man.  
  
"BroTHAR!" Yelled Duo to a raised fist.  
  
"Quiet you. Now…It all began when I was eighteen. I had gotten a job at a soda factory. You see, every other soda company had fired me, because I'm black."  
  
"BroTHAR!!"  
  
"But Mountain Dew accepted me. They allowed me to work with all of my other black friends. Damn those prejudiced Mexican bastards."  
  
"BroTHAR!!"  
  
"So I created an evil plan to replace the world's water supply with soda. But only Mountain Dew would be accepted, and all other sodas were doomed!! Bwahahaha…Because I'm black."  
  
"There is something very wrong with your plan. Despite it's evil evilness, it does not work. First of all, Mountain Dew is disgusting, like the way Trowa smells." Pointed out Heero. Trowa stood, did the Macarena, and sat down.  
  
"Anyway, people are destroying Mountain Dew trucks on the freeway and craving every other soda. Your plan is backfiring. You suck." Added Wufei.  
  
"Oh dear…Well…You will die anyway, because I'm black, and you are white."  
  
"Um…I'm Chinese." Said Wufei, raising his hand.  
  
"And I'm Japanese." Added Heero.  
  
"I too, not being white, am Arabian." Explained Quatre.  
  
"I am Latino…" Answered Trowa.  
  
"And I'm black." Nodded Duo.  
  
"No, you are not black." Yelled the Mighty Mightiness of Might.  
  
"BroTHAR!"  
  
"Stop that."  
  
"BroTHAR!"  
  
"Stop!"  
  
"BroTHAR!"  
  
"STOP IT RIGHT NOW!!"  
  
"BroTHAR!"  
  
"Dammit you aren't black! Look at me. I am black. You are pale. You are not black." Growled the man.  
  
"You won't accept the fact that I'm black because I'm black. You RACIST!!" Shouted Duo, then adding, "BroTHAR!"  
  
"Agggghhhh!!!!!!" Shouted the man to the air. He too did the Macarena, but then his head exploded…Because he's black.  
  
"Wow…I never thought that Duo's misunderstanding of his own racial background could save the world." Nodded Wufei. Heero turned his head and noticed a machine switch that said "TAKE OVER THE WORLD, and DON'T TAKE OVER THE WORLD." Heero switched it to 'don't take over the world.'  
  
  
  
And everything went back to normal. Mountain Dew was outlawed in forty states, and Trowa had to have extensive counseling to return to the circus and face the elephants. Duo learned another chord of his CD. Heero has been spending his time trying to find out about that McDonald's ballet, and Quatre tried squirrel. Trowa was right, it is beefy. And the world was never bothered to try and replace the water with soda by mind control. They did that on their own.  
  
Because they are all black.  
  
THE END!! 


End file.
